"If I were bread, would you be my butter?"

“Can I ask you a question?” I’ve been reading Jonathan Rauch’s book Gay Marriage and was curious.

“Sure,” said Kalani, though he seemed drawn more to the TV than me. Tonight Kalani was introducing me to the cult classic To Wong Foo, that, having seen it, would grant me some credibility as a gay person at most dinner parties and other casual gatherings.

“And if I ask you a question, can I get a thoughtful response?”

That caught his attention. He smiled, “What is it?”

“What is marriage for?”

“It depends. Do you want my Mormon or gay perspective?”

“Both.”

“Well, as a Mormon, marriage is for perpetuating the earth, you know, to have a family. It’s about sharing your life with somebody. Marriage defines that commitment - when you really share. Marriage makes that relationship binding and fulfilled.”

Pausing only slightly, Kalani glanced away and then back again so quickly there seemed to be no break in thought. “That’s why I support gay marriage. I think it would end a lot of promiscuity, if they legalize gay marriage...”

I resisted the urge to remind him I wasn’t asking about same-sex marriage, not that it mattered. The idea was to explore a more fundamental query about the purpose of the institution of marriage itself. Why do people marry? It simply cannot be only because people “fall in love” and want to be with someone the rest of their lives. It cannot only be to gain the rights granted to wedded couples by the government. There's much more to it than that.

Kalani continued extemporaneously for a while about gay marriage and then stopped. “What was the question again?”

“What is marriage for?” I repeated, this time emphasizing the deliberately absent qualifier “gay.”

“Oh that’s right. So now the gay perspective. Marriage defines gays as a couple, it gives them civil rights. If you don’t have marriage, you’re only half a person, at least as a citizen in this country. Once you accept civil unions, you dismiss yourself as a full-fledged human being. You’re just a shadow person. Marriage makes you accountable. You can stand up and be counted. It allows you to have children, adopt children, and bring them up within the bounds of society where children are given the same rights. It defines them within a family...”

The conversation gradually petered out, and the movie beckoned. Kalani's insights on marriage, whether gay or straight, are strikingly similar to Jonathan's, just wrapped in different wording. We settled in our seats, hit the "play" button, and enjoyed the rest of the evening laughing our heads off.

"You know, pumpkins? Sometimes it just takes a fairy."