Frolic & Detour

I feel I have to make a formal apology. While I know any blog worth its salt is not only a product of content but also consistency, I've recently been out of town and overextended with peripheral responsibilities that have kept me from blogging. I'm hoping to recoup within the week and break the silence.

Until then...

I was recently in Toronto and have something of an oddity to share. It appears there is a fashion trend growing in the city, something more appropriately identified as an epidemic faux pas. Whoever thought that gathering a curtain and tying it at its center is an acceptable window treatment? A (poor) college student unleashing a burst of creativity while struggling to stay focused on his studies? If you're not sure what I'm talking about, here's a visual:


If you've ever used this budget stratagem to spruce up the old pad, pat yourself on the back for having abandoned it. If you are currently in the throws of this decorating gaffe, please mend your ways. Please. The logical reasoning is this: 1) When you draw your curtain to the center of the window, you block precious daylight; 2) With the curtain in the center of your window, you look at the curtain, not the view - the drapes dominate and become the focal point, and they certainly aren't worth it; and 3) It's hideous.

Look at any condominium or apartment high rise in Toronto and you'll see this phenomenon if not once, then multiple times. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I spotted this:

The same meticulously crafted hour-glass shape but with vertical blinds and a binder clip! Classy. Surprisingly, the clip seems to be the most stylish, if not innovative, part of this ensemble.

Regarding Larry Craig

If we lived in a world were homosexuality was regarded as a natural part of life, would Larry be in the position he is today?

If gay relationships, including marriage, were integrated into societal constructs, supported by law and culture, would anyone have the need to hide in the closet?

Would the closet disappear altogether?

If religion embraced its queer disciples, would internal homophobia cease?

Would suicide decrease?

Would hate crimes decline?

I'm not naïve enough to think all maladies associated with LGTB repression would simply be eradicated by a society that never made a distinction between straight and gay in the first place.

But I can't help wonder what problems might be alleviated if we did.

just in the nick of time

Well, technically I still had two more days to procrastinate.

Fallacious Measure of a Man

"...the legal size is 5 inches. There is a woman in the process of divorce because her husband is only 3 inches."

My car radio is almost permanently tuned to NPR, and with the twist of the car keys, the news started piping through the speakers as soon as the engine started. I was driving home, mouth agape, as the talk of size and its legal implications began to register. Did I really hear what I thought I just heard?

The voice of a man with an accent continued to chatter from my speakers about the physiology of this man's 3 inch phallus. I'm not sure what country has a legal phallus size, but apparently it's reason for divorce. To assure their man is appropriately sized, future wives-to-be are demanding a cast of their fiancé’s "specimen." Perhaps they also skip over "for better, for worse" in their marriage vows.

What about the poor suitor who doesn't quite measure up? Chances for marriage could be slim. It's clear who wears the pants in this country, wherever it is.

The interviewee turned out to be Segador Shartinson, head of the Icelandic Phallological Museum. Here you can see specimens from over 100 land and sea mammals, including the amazing phallus of a sperm whale. According to Shartinson, "You couldn't just put this under your arm and run away." It's that big. Obviously, the sperm whale would have no problem with the legal minimum.

In his heyday, Shartinson also had no problem with the legal minimum and is planning to donate his member to his museum when he dies.

As for the Three Inch Willie:

Smokefree DC

On a recent trip to Monticello, two friends and I sat in a college restaurant “full of charm” right behind UVA’s rotunda. Almost as soon as our food arrived, a lady not more than 8 yards away lit up.

“Who’s smoking???” I asked incredulously, inflecting my voice to just the right pitch to sound slightly exasperated. Who smokes in a restaurant anymore? Is that even allowed? Is it too much to ask for a decent meal sans pernicious fumes creeping into my lungs and adulterating any sense of taste?

“We’re in Virginia. You’re allowed to smoke,” said Crystal in a voice as matter-of-fact as if she were NPR’s Melissa Block recounting today’s death toll in Iraq. Great. One more reason to add to my “Why Virginia is Indeed Part of The South” list.

Lucky for Washingtonians, the DC smoking ban took effect last year for restaurants and this year for bars. That means no more itchy, red eyes; no more smoke induced headaches; no more dousing clothes with Febreze; no more showers at the end of a night out. What it does mean, however, is that you often have walk through a gateway of sidewalk smokers to enter establishments. I can handle that.

For those of you with a hankering to puff on a fag (sorry, I couldn't resist), you can thank Virginia for being behind on the times and head down to Freddy's Beach Bar. This smoke-filled joint will be sure to satiate your nicotine cravings, as well as any unfulfilled yearnings for neon, cardboard cut-out palm trees, and kitsch. Oh, not to forget, Freddie's Follies Drag Show starts at 9:00 pm on Sundays.