A More Perfect Union - Quote of the Week

"If I am shot at, I want no man to be in the way of the bullet."

-Andrew Johnson

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Regarding Larry Craig

If we lived in a world were homosexuality was regarded as a natural part of life, would Larry be in the position he is today?

If gay relationships, including marriage, were integrated into societal constructs, supported by law and culture, would anyone have the need to hide in the closet?

Would the closet disappear altogether?

If religion embraced its queer disciples, would internal homophobia cease?

Would suicide decrease?

Would hate crimes decline?

I'm not naïve enough to think all maladies associated with LGTB repression would simply be eradicated by a society that never made a distinction between straight and gay in the first place.

But I can't help wonder what problems might be alleviated if we did.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

just in the nick of time

Well, technically I still had two more days to procrastinate.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Fallacious Measure of a Man

"...the legal size is 5 inches. There is a woman in the process of divorce because her husband is only 3 inches."

My car radio is almost permanently tuned to NPR, and with the twist of the car keys, the news started piping through the speakers as soon as the engine started. I was driving home, mouth agape, as the talk of size and its legal implications began to register. Did I really hear what I thought I just heard?

The voice of a man with an accent continued to chatter from my speakers about the physiology of this man's 3 inch phallus. I'm not sure what country has a legal phallus size, but apparently it's reason for divorce. To assure their man is appropriately sized, future wives-to-be are demanding a cast of their fiancé’s "specimen." Perhaps they also skip over "for better, for worse" in their marriage vows.

What about the poor suitor who doesn't quite measure up? Chances for marriage could be slim. It's clear who wears the pants in this country, wherever it is.

The interviewee turned out to be Segador Shartinson, head of the Icelandic Phallological Museum. Here you can see specimens from over 100 land and sea mammals, including the amazing phallus of a sperm whale. According to Shartinson, "You couldn't just put this under your arm and run away." It's that big. Obviously, the sperm whale would have no problem with the legal minimum.

In his heyday, Shartinson also had no problem with the legal minimum and is planning to donate his member to his museum when he dies.

As for the Three Inch Willie:

Friday, August 24, 2007

Smokefree DC

On a recent trip to Monticello, two friends and I sat in a college restaurant “full of charm” right behind UVA’s rotunda. Almost as soon as our food arrived, a lady not more than 8 yards away lit up.

“Who’s smoking???” I asked incredulously, inflecting my voice to just the right pitch to sound slightly exasperated. Who smokes in a restaurant anymore? Is that even allowed? Is it too much to ask for a decent meal sans pernicious fumes creeping into my lungs and adulterating any sense of taste?

“We’re in Virginia. You’re allowed to smoke,” said Crystal in a voice as matter-of-fact as if she were NPR’s Melissa Block recounting today’s death toll in Iraq. Great. One more reason to add to my “Why Virginia is Indeed Part of The South” list.

Lucky for Washingtonians, the DC smoking ban took effect last year for restaurants and this year for bars. That means no more itchy, red eyes; no more smoke induced headaches; no more dousing clothes with Febreze; no more showers at the end of a night out. What it does mean, however, is that you often have walk through a gateway of sidewalk smokers to enter establishments. I can handle that.

For those of you with a hankering to puff on a fag (sorry, I couldn't resist), you can thank Virginia for being behind on the times and head down to Freddy's Beach Bar. This smoke-filled joint will be sure to satiate your nicotine cravings, as well as any unfulfilled yearnings for neon, cardboard cut-out palm trees, and kitsch. Oh, not to forget, Freddie's Follies Drag Show starts at 9:00 pm on Sundays.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

A Different Kind of Mission Home

Sunday was the annual barbecue at Robert and Lani Graves house. I had heard of this infamous couple through conversations with other Affirmation members and through Carol Lynn Pearson’s book, No More Goodbyes. Now was my chance to finally meet them and see what everybody was talking about.

David and I arrived late. Robert was busy at the grill, and Lani was running around alerting everyone with news of fresh-off-the-grill burgers. She and I bumped into each other as I entered the house and she was heading to the deck.

“Hi!” Lani welcomed me with an embrace. Each having a distinct destination, we both veered our separate ways without saying much more. I assembled a burger, scooped up some broccoli salad, eyed the desserts for later, and found a seat in the dining room with a group of others who were almost finished.

Before folks cleared out, Robert invited everyone downstairs to watch a new documentary in which both he and his wife took part. “Come watch Lani, the star of the show.” Lani humbly rolled her eyes.

The film was created by Susan Polis Schutz, founder of Blue Mountain. She has an openly gay son and wanted to film stories of other families that show homosexuality not as something distant that affects “those people” but rather as something that touches anyone in every walk of life. Entitled Anyone and Everyone, the film has been aired on PBS in San Diego and will air around the country in select locations, dates and times pending.

The Graves represented a Mormon perspective and were perhaps the most seasoned of all interviewed. Robert was right; Lani was the star of the show. And it’s no wonder. She’s articulate, full of warmth and love. Fifteen years ago her son came out to her, giving her enough time to process her experience and develop a keen understanding for what families go through when a family member comes out. During one excerpt from an interview with her, I was struck by her lucid declaration, “I decided to love my son fiercely…” Robert and Lani were able to see beyond religiosity, dogma, and prejudice to simply love their child for who he is.

In doctrinal debates, it's easy to get caught up in philosophical banter and forget what each of us are blessed with from the beginning: common sense. After all, is not the worth of each individual what matters most? If in conforming to what we feel is doctrinally correct we turn our backs to our loved ones, are we not missing the mark altogether? There's so much more to life than getting hung up on sexual orientation.

On our way home, David and I both concurred. Visiting the Graves is something akin to being on a mission and visiting the Mission President's home. When's the next fireside?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

National Postal Museum

(City Post Office)
Massachusetts Avenue and North Capitol Street, NW

1914 Graham and Burnham

1992 renovation: Shalom Baranes Associates; museum interior: Florance Eichbaum Esocoff King

entrance fee: free (part of the Smithsonian Institute)

I had to do a double take. The metro billboard looked like a cross between an ad for the Spy Museum and an episode of CSI. “Did that say the National Postal Museum?!”

I had heard of it, but really, could a museum about stamps be all that interesting? The sign said something about postal detectors and pictured a green-monochromatic photo of a guy in a lab coat. This was high-tech. Wasn’t the Museum located in just a closet of a space in some building near Union Station? I had to do some sleuth work of my own and go investigate.



Near Union Station? Yeah, um, the building was designed by the same architect as Union Station and is directly west of it. This beautiful building was recently (and successfully) renovated. From a narrow hallway, I descended the escalator into a large atrium drenched in sunlight. I was shocked. This is no closet. Just see for yourself:


For stamp afficionados and the curious alike, this museum is worth a trip if mail’s your thing. Everything you ever wanted to know about the history of our postal service is in this building. Wanting to see the “spy” exhibit, I breezed through everything else until I stumbled upon this incredibly fascinating placard:


Registered mail!!! I still can't believe it. Can you imagine being the one to handle that package?

This bit of trivia greeted me as I entered the area dedicated to crime. Ever since the Anthrax scare and unabombers, I've come to realize the importance of mail and safety can never be underestimated. But I don’t really think much about USPS's involvement in our national security on a daily basis. This hands-on exhibit gives you a taste for what they do to protect us and their involvement in catching criminals. Go ahead, take a gander. This museum's first class.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

"If I were bread, would you be my butter?"

“Can I ask you a question?” I’ve been reading Jonathan Rauch’s book Gay Marriage and was curious.

“Sure,” said Kalani, though he seemed drawn more to the TV than me. Tonight Kalani was introducing me to the cult classic To Wong Foo, that, having seen it, would grant me some credibility as a gay person at most dinner parties and other casual gatherings.

“And if I ask you a question, can I get a thoughtful response?”

That caught his attention. He smiled, “What is it?”

“What is marriage for?”

“It depends. Do you want my Mormon or gay perspective?”

“Both.”

“Well, as a Mormon, marriage is for perpetuating the earth, you know, to have a family. It’s about sharing your life with somebody. Marriage defines that commitment - when you really share. Marriage makes that relationship binding and fulfilled.”

Pausing only slightly, Kalani glanced away and then back again so quickly there seemed to be no break in thought. “That’s why I support gay marriage. I think it would end a lot of promiscuity, if they legalize gay marriage...”

I resisted the urge to remind him I wasn’t asking about same-sex marriage, not that it mattered. The idea was to explore a more fundamental query about the purpose of the institution of marriage itself. Why do people marry? It simply cannot be only because people “fall in love” and want to be with someone the rest of their lives. It cannot only be to gain the rights granted to wedded couples by the government. There's much more to it than that.

Kalani continued extemporaneously for a while about gay marriage and then stopped. “What was the question again?”

“What is marriage for?” I repeated, this time emphasizing the deliberately absent qualifier “gay.”

“Oh that’s right. So now the gay perspective. Marriage defines gays as a couple, it gives them civil rights. If you don’t have marriage, you’re only half a person, at least as a citizen in this country. Once you accept civil unions, you dismiss yourself as a full-fledged human being. You’re just a shadow person. Marriage makes you accountable. You can stand up and be counted. It allows you to have children, adopt children, and bring them up within the bounds of society where children are given the same rights. It defines them within a family...”

The conversation gradually petered out, and the movie beckoned. Kalani's insights on marriage, whether gay or straight, are strikingly similar to Jonathan's, just wrapped in different wording. We settled in our seats, hit the "play" button, and enjoyed the rest of the evening laughing our heads off.

"You know, pumpkins? Sometimes it just takes a fairy."

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Union Station


I was looking at the itinerary and it seems pretty full. There doesn’t seem to be much down time (this is a good thing), but you don’t get much time to eat. So my advice would be to stay close to the hotel for meal breaks. And for one of those meal breaks I would most definitely advise you to head to Union Station to eat. It is within walking distance of the hotel, has plenty of options for food, and is a must see in terms of DC sites.


So what exactly does Union Station have to offer? Well… there is a food court downstairs (typical mall food court) and there are a few nice restaurants. So if you want something cheap you got it, if you want a nicer sit down fancy place, it's there too! As far as nice restaurants, there are a number to choose from and although I haven't tried them, I have heard good things about America as well as The Station Grill. There is also some shopping that can be done at Union Station, but don’t be too surprised when you see how small the shopping area is and how few stores there are. Basically Union Station allows you to find the food you want as well as provides some light shopping and beautiful scenery.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Mr. P's

Q: "I've heard of a famous gay bar called 'Mr. P's' - do you know where it is and can you tell us about it?"
-Peter Brown from Albuquerque

A: Mr. P's/The Loft was located at 2147 P Street, NW near Dupont Circle. Yes, you read correctly..."was." It closed in December 2003. Perhaps it was made famous by the scandal that ensued when John Paulk, the posterboy of the ex-gay movement, walked in to "visit the restroom." His 40 minute stay almost cost him his job as North American director of Exodus International. That was September 2000.

I'm not sure why Mr.P's closed or what it was like, as it was before my time. Any DC locals out there who know more?

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Ben's Chili Bowl

So after a night of pathetic bar hopping, my friends and I were hungry, but wanted something a little different from the typical. So the question is where to go… Something spicy, something exciting but low-key and something cheap. So the verdict “Ben’s Chili Bowl.” Ben’s Chili Bowl is famous. It is a major hotspot for famous people with photo’s all over of celebrities including Bill Cosby and Miles Davis. It is historically famous being one of the oldest restaurants in the city…and also for having survived and stayed open during the riots.


I’d never been before so I got the famous Chili Dog and Chili Cheese Fries. They were good. Wasn’t great, just good. It was very spicy, so if you don’t like spice you DON’T want this. Food is pretty cheap and the atmosphere is great. I would recommend going if for nothing else than the historical aspect and the atmosphere. However, I would not necessarily recommend going at 2 in the morning. It isn’t the lightest of food so it can be a lot to sit in your stomach that late at night.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

DC's Gay Bars

You see him staring at you from across the room. What a stud! Your friend you came with is talking but you’ve tuned him out. All you can think about is this guy who is totally, obviously blatantly drooling as he stares directly at you… or umm… directly above you? You turn around. There’s a giant TV screen playing “Rough and Ready.” Great. You felt awkward before. Now you are totally uncomfortable in a place with porn playing on all the walls. Suddenly the bar tender speaks into a microphone. Its midnight and men in underwear drink free. Now there is nowhere to look but at the ceiling. You are so uncomfortable you are tempted to walk home rather than wait for you friend. It’s going to be a long night. (Disclaimer-this story is not about me...it is just a story).

When choosing your bar or club it is important to know about the atmosphere you are going to come across. Whether you want a typical bar, a country bar, leather or even something more “exciting”, DC has the right place for you. It’s just knowing where to find it.

I will write about other bars/clubs in DC, in the future but these are the three that I frequent the most. Disclaimer: I am not a big fan of bars or clubs, so I don’t frequent them often.

Remingtons Country Bar: 639 Pennsylvania Ave. SE
Cover: Yes
Cost of drinks: Average
Age bracket: All ages-but not too many 18-25 yr olds.
Atmosphere: Laid back, Chill
Crowded: Average
General Info: Karaoke upstairs. Pool tables upstairs.
Personal Comment: I like it because you can go and watch the dance floor. I’m not a drinker and I don’t really dance so feel out of place at most bars. This one gives me something to do without feeling like I’m standing at the wall alone and awkward.
Problems: The bar is not near Dupont Circle and therefore not near any other gay bars, so if you are looking to do more than one bar, it can make it a long trip to get somewhere else.





Halo: 1435 P St NW
Cover: Yes
Cost of drinks: Expensive
Age bracket: 22-40 yrs old
Atmosphere: Sleek and Stylish
Crowded: Yes
Personal Comment: Lots of eye candy. I like it, but sometime I feel like I’m in a plastic room surrounded by plastic Ken dolls. If you drink, bring lots of money. If you come alone, you might feel a little out of place-better to come with other people. This is a bar, there is no dance floor. I highly recommend this bar!!




Green Lantern: 1335 Green Ct NW
Cover: No
Cost of Drinks: Cheap
Age bracket: 30-50
Atmosphere: Laid back, Chill
Crowded: No
General Info: Pool table upstairs. Saturday’s Men in underwear drink free from 12-1 am.
Personal Comment: There are TV screens upstairs with video’s playing. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t go. People here are very friendly. Hard to locate if you don’t know where it is. This place is good or bad depending on the night. Shirtless Thursday nights are usually good, but weekends are a toss up. Unless you are willing to do some bar hopping I would not recommend this place without a big group.